Confusion
Sometimes i wonder.. is there still hope? or is it way beyond hope. Have been questioning myself a lot these days. Cant find answers to most of them though. Each time elijah and myself have an argument, we still manage to get over it after a heart to heart talk. Things will eventually get cool and it make me feel that i didnt regret trying and each time things got cooled, i'll pray so hard that it will last. But it NEVER happen. Question is, WHY? True.... no one is perfect, there'll sure be mistakes made. But, why are we always getting into such serious situation like "breaking up" for every small lil' thing? And when we came into another argument, why must he bring all the past arguments up, adding fuel to the fire, making current situation MORE worse and taking those PAST problems we had as another reason for a break up? Those past arguments are PAST, we've already got over them and had already moved on. Why is it brought back to the present? Now that he havent been really treating me as his girlfriend for almost a week. So does that means a silent break up? But if it is, why is there still pictures of us in his display picture? But with a contradicting MSN nick? So what does all these really mean? Am i giving up ready? i'm not sure, either. I've never been SO uncleared with my actions before. After SO LONG of not contacting, with the SO MUCH cold shoulders i've received, I've set my mind to the fact that ONE DAY, it's gonna be this way and i NEED to get use to this shit. As i was trying to get use to it, why did he constantly popped up in my head and i'll go on writing him love notes, baking cupcakes for him? Now, even thinking what is he up to? how is he and everything? We managed to chat up a lil' through sms last night, was just plain casual talks. For a moment, i was SO glad, like wow. Then again, with that kind of real polite tone. Is it Elijah talking to me as a friend or? Dont he just miss all the times we had? Those callings of "baby"? those goodnight messages with an ending of "love you"? For one week, i was deprived from all these, missed it real bad. So does he still love me? Does he still want this relationship? i SO wanted to clear all my doubts SOON. But he'll be too busy with art that you know when's the next time we can meet up? Another 2 weeks more. So it's like waiting for 3 weeks for what? miracle? or nothing? Is our love still burning? Am i to keep trying? if i would to stop trying, 3 weeks, will feelings start fading? When he said, "misses you as well..." Is it for real? And i dont know how he could easily said "i've got no more feelings for you!". At first, it was just a passed-by excuse. Now that you mentioned it again. Is it just an excuse or is it for real? I'm still holding on. But i'm losing sight of the thing i'm holding on. So what EXACTLY am i holding on to? him? or nothing at all cos he had already long gone.. and it was all just an illusion? argh fuck it. i miss him............
With love, on Friday, September 29, 2006
xxx This scene is DEAD xxx
xxx This scene is DEAD xxx
